3 years down, a lifetime to go
As Jonny and I start the next stage of life, parenthood, I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on our marriage. We had three years under our belt before having our first, Jonathan. Our marriage has not been easy! It’s been so difficult, painful, and took a lot of work to get to where we are right now. And we’re not perfect. Far from it.
We struggled through 3 years of marriage. And honestly, no one prepared us for the difficult, beautiful, intricate moments of marriage. No one ever talks about how hard marriage is. Not openly, not publicly. We received a lot of advice some of it amazing but some unhelpful. Throughout our marriage, we sifted through the advice and applied the best advice for us. Not all of it worked in our marriage, but it took some time to figure that out.
The advice I wish I didn’t listen to
There are three pieces of advice that I wish I didn’t cling to because it almost destroyed my marriage. Before we dive in, I want to share a disclaimer. Remember, advice is meant to be advice. You don’t have to accept and apply the advice just because it is given. Especially in regards to marriage. Marriage is between the two people who made the covenant to each other. Your marriage is unique to you. And the advice given in that situation should only be applied to your marriage because it works for you.
So there you go, let’s dig into 3 pieces of advice that did not work well for me!
“Don’t Let the Sun Set on Your Anger” Ephesians 4:26
Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” It was scary to hear this verse, as a child. It was scary knowing that anger is a sin. And I didn’t want the devil to take “root” in my life. I felt convicted to not let the sun go down on my anger.
In my marriage, this belief and theology meant that I needed to work through a fight before going to bed. It’s biblical. So it had to be right.
But it wasn’t right. Not in my marriage. I wish I did not cling to this as the ultimatum to fix problems. I took this verse literally so Jonny and I spent many a sleepless night having fights over fighting because I so desperately wanted to fix it before we slept.
But this ideology that I held onto could have destroyed my relationship because it caused us to have unnecessary fights, created deep cutting wounds, and cause more tension and disconnection that split us apart.
Our story
This advice didn’t work for us. Here’s why. We both had unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict and it triggered us and kept us in a cycle of pain. Jonny has a temper. He needs time to cool off and when I didn’t give him that space to cool off he lashed out with deep-cutting words. His anger got worse because he felt powerless. The more I pushed the more he lashed out.
For me, I have major abandonment issues. So clinging to the bible verse was an excuse. An excuse to not be “left” in the moment. You see, for me being left physically (Jonny leaving the room) or emotionally was devastating to me. It made me powerless and abandoned.
We were caught in a dance of conflict. The more Jonny fought for his space, the more I felt left and abandoned. And the more I felt left and abandoned, the stronger I held onto Jonny forcing him to stay with me and causing him to feel powerless.
Our fighting triggered more emotional pain that didn’t have anything to do with our fight and we spiraled. We didn’t have the words or explanation of this cycle and pattern that we kept repeating. I didn’t know I struggled with abandonment, Jonny didn’t know that his anger came from feeling powerless. We just kept making the same mistake over and over again.
Make a plan (before the sun sets)
We were caught in a cycle that we called the grizzly panda dance (because we turn from cute pandas into angry grizzly bears) and could not get out of it. When couples fight, they get into a dance pattern, the cycle of how they deal with conflict. Sue Johnson in her book Created for Connection explains three types of patterns that couples get into. Now when we fight we’re aware of this pattern so that we can hopefully get out to the dance or cycle faster. Awareness of this dance helps us focus on the trigger instead of the fight itself. We’ll talk more about this later. I promise.
Instead of helping us, the verse could have destroyed us. Only when we understood each other’s triggers were we able to communicate our needs. Whenever we fight now, Jonny will explain that he needs his space, he will reassure me that he loves me and will never leave me, that we’ll be able to work out our problems later. With his reassurance, he cares for my trigger of abandonment and we take the time apart. I give Jonny his space so that he can slow down and let his anger dissipate because he doesn’t feel cornered. By giving him what he needs I care for his trigger of powerlessness.
When we do finally come back to talk through our fight we are better equipped to work through it. And we work through it a lot faster. Instead of not letting the sun go down on our anger, we make a plan knowing that we love each other and will come back to fix it. Our goal is to be connected, to be attuned to each other.
Sharing your marriage problems
Support systems are important. I turn to close friends about different aspects of life. Friends I trust to give me advice, encourage me to do the right thing, and help me when I fail. I give a small piece of myself to each of those friends because I struggle with vulnerability. And honestly I never really let anyone fully know me until Jonny came into my life. He knows my deepest fears and secrets, he is privy to the hardest parts of my life and the best parts. Because he’s my husband and my best friend.
In many rom coms we see women getting together and talking about their significant others. They share about their relationships and support each other with advice and opinions. This can be healthy and helpful but also could slowly destroy a marriage.
Let me clarify why! No one will understand the ins and outs and struggles of your marriage but you and your spouse. We’re all human so seeking advice from others, especially peers, means we could be getting the advice and reassurance that we’re looking for, not the advice or opinions that we need.
When Jonny and I fought I talked to friends about our fights because I yearned for validation that I was justified in the things that I said or did and that Jonny was wrong for the things he said or did. But that’s not healthy. If I go to a friend that I know will support me and my side, it doesn’t help or challenge my relationship with Jonny. It doesn’t help me grow. Because as hard as it is to admit, I’m not always right…
One condition to consider
But this advice is conditional. Sometimes you do need outside advice to help with your marriage. I’ve chosen to talk to a counselor and I choose to talk to friends who know both Jonny and I and will push us towards each other not apart. I choose to talk to friends who will emphasize with me but also call me out on my shit. Friends who aren’t afraid to say, I see how Jonny hurt you but do you see that you did this as well.
Let me repeat that. Talk to friends/people who will push you towards each other, not apart. Talk to friends who will advocate for your marriage not for you. Why? Because none of us are without fault.
Pro-tip: marriage counseling is amazing. There’s a stigma that marriage counseling is for people who are planning to separate or divorce. However, if you go early on in your relationship, and work through things as you’re going through them, your marriage will be healthy and will thrive. Jonny and I did a marriage retreat right after our first anniversary and saw someone through part of year two of our marriage. It helped us immensely, especially during a life stage that could have pulled us apart. Talking to our counselor together, we both could feel heard and she called us both out on how we contributing to the marriage both positively and negatively. Try it!
It’s just pet peeves, you’ll work through it
Your fights are never about the small things. I always laughed when people told me that in marriage you fight about how the toilet paper is never replaced, or how your partner squeezes the toothpaste tube or leaving the toilet seat up. I thought to myself, I will never get annoyed at those things. They are small, how could I get upset at that. I don’t have that many pet peeves. BUT I did not know that those little annoyances could come from a very vulnerable and painful place.
It’s not about the trash!
Tuesday nights is prep day for trash pickup in our home. Early on in our marriage, we decided that Jonny would take out all the trash bags to the curb and I would replace the bags around the house. It was so nice because my job was easy, just walk around the house and replace the bags. Every Tuesday night Jonny would take out the bags and pull the bins to the curb. I’d be distracted watching a show or doing something and regularly forgot to change the bags right away.
For me, saying I’d do replace the bags was enough. I’d get to it when I’d get to it. One day I forgot to replace the main trash can in the kitchen and Jonny was furious with me. He came at me with much anger and harshness. I was dumbfounded, scared and started crying. I just forgot to replace the bag. What was the big deal!
At the end of our first year of marriage, we attended a marriage retreat. We grew immensely over that weekend and it honestly saved our marriage. At the retreat, we talked about the dance or cycle that we go through. And discussed the “pet peeve” of me not replacing the trash bags.
Understanding Triggers
We looked deeper at the emotions hiding underneath the anger. Every time I didn’t replace the bags, Jonny got annoyed, and one day snapped out in anger. We discovered that asking for help for even a small task like replacing trash bags was very difficult for Jonny.
When I didn’t replace the trash bags, he would feel like he couldn’t rely on me. It triggered pain from the past when he did rely on someone and they let him down significantly. When his needs weren’t met in the past it would leave him powerless. This feeling of powerlessness caused him to take power back by doing things for himself and not asking for help. Through our marriage, we had built that trust up and when I didn’t perform a simple task-it triggered a strong response.
My trigger of abandonment makes me passive-aggressive, needy, and clingy. Both Jonny and I are friendly people, but in new places, I get shy and want to be by Jonny’s side. Jonny being an independent person would go off and talk to people leaving me sitting at a table alone. He expected me to go meet people too. We would have huge fights at any fun event because I would get passive-aggressive and clingy. Where are you going? Why don’t you want to spend time with me? Why are you running away from me?
I have a fear of abandonment and was codependent. When he left me I felt like he didn’t care about me and I needed to hold tight so he wouldn’t leave me. I would panic. We tied this feeling to the time I was lost at Target as a child and the panic that I felt walking around looking for my mom.
Your Marriage is unique
What’s some advice that you’ve received? Anything you wish you didn’t listen to? Your marriage is unique to you. No one else will have the same problems or the same ways of solving them. We all come with triggers and emotions, ways of doing things, and attachment styles that all affect how we interact in our marriage. And it’s hard. We’re only three years in and we have to constantly fight for each other. Now with a newborn, our marriage has changed and we are trying to fight for connection and more importantly attunement. None of it is easy.
The best advice I can give you:
Find friends or mentors that will push you towards each other, see a counselor separately, together or both if you can afford it, dive into understanding your triggers, learn from podcasts, books, and experts, make a plan to reconnect after a fight, and surround yourself with people whose marriages you admire and can learn from. And remember no one knows your marriage better than you do.
