If you haven’t watched the tv show, This is Us, I highly recommend it. It will make you cry, laugh, and fall in love with the Pearson family. The show is highly addictive and entertaining but it’s also an amazing portrayal of the true ups and downs of a family system and an accurate portrayal of childhood wounds.
Disclaimer: I’ll try not to give away too many spoilers keeping my examples to the first season.
The first episode portrays Jack and Rebecca Pearson who are expecting triplets on Jack’s 36th birthday in 1980. Meanwhile, in the present day, the story follows Kate, a personal assistant, Kevin a famous actor, and Randall, a businessman, as they go about their day on their 36th birthday. Off the bat, you can sense dissatisfaction in each of their lives, with Kate attending a weight loss group, Kevin quitting his sitcom, and Randall knocking on the door of his biological father to meet him for the first time.
In the first episode, you find out that the three adults, Kevin, Kate, and Randall are the children of Jack and Rebecca. Jack and Rebecca lost one of their triplets in 1980 but chose to adopt a newborn left at a fire station. The show transitions between the present day and the past filling in the gaps of how this unconventional family came to be.
In this blog, we’ll dive into each of the three children’s lives to discuss one childhood wound each, we’ll take a look at how the parents, Jack and Rebecca, react to their children and apply these wounds to our own lives.
Let’s dive in!
Defining a Childhood Wound
Just as a refresher, we define a wound as “an emotional event or distress that we experience in childhood that manifests in physical, emotional, and mental pain throughout our adulthood.”
These childhood wounds affect our emotional health, well-being, and how we relate to others. Our wounds manifest as triggers that keep us in a cycle of pain repeating the same patterns of how we dealt with or felt about those wounds as a kid.
Childhood wounds whether intentional or not cause harm to a child in his/her formative years.
Check out our page about childhood wounds to learn more about the types of wounds we will be covering in this blog post.
Kevin: Emotional Abandonment & Neglect
Kevin, the oldest of the children, always seemed to be overlooked. One day, when the kids were about 10, the family spent the day at the local pool. Kevin had asked his father to watch him because he wasn’t a great swimmer. He was playing with a football and soon found himself etching closer to the deep end. He tried to call his parents for help but Rebecca & Jack were distracted.
Instead, Kevin went after the football on his own. He struggled to stay above water thrashing and gulping as he sank and struggled to swim back to safety. He was able to save himself from drowning in the crowded pool and as he caught the edge of the pool he looked back at his family. They all had their backs turned.
When Kevin got out of the water he yelled at his parents, “You’re so busy making sure that Kate isn’t eating too much, and that Randall’s not too adopted. And meanwhile, where’s Kevin?…. Oh, he’s dead.” Kevin screams at his parents and walks away upset. (season 1 episode 4)
You can hear in his anger that he felt abandoned and neglected. This was an example of a child that was aware of his parents’ shortcomings and although couldn’t put words to it, felt the abandonment and neglect.
Jack’s Response to Kevin’s outburst
Kevin wasn’t purposefully ignored or neglected at the pool, it was crowded. His parents were trying to watch all their kids and in their humanity, they failed. Kevin could have drowned but he didn’t and his dad could have shrugged off his angry outburst as Kevin being difficult and whiny.
After Kevin stormed off, his father went after him and their conversation made me shed major tears. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Okay? I should have been watching…. I said I was and I should have been watching you, pal. I’m trying, okay. Look, I know that I’m bigger than you. I know that I’m an adult, but this is my first time. This is my first time too. I got three of you and I’m trying. I’m sorry, I should have been there. And I’m gonna be there, okay?” Jack says.
Jack acknowledged Kevin’s pain and abandonment. He acknowledged that he as a father was wrong and should have taken care of his son. Jack and Rebecca had their hands full with all three children and he mentions that he’s a first-time father. Plus no parent is perfect. He explains the reasons for his shortcomings but still apologizes and takes ownership of his mistakes. The quick conversation allowed father and son to reconnect, form an understanding of each other’s pain and feelings, and created a healthy reattachment.
Jack didn’t need to take responsibility, but he did. And this most likely helped repair a wound that could have been huge if Kevin had been yelled at, ignored, or physically disciplined for his reaction to his pain, instead of having his pain addressed.
Applying Kevin’s story
Some kids, much like Kevin, can address the feelings of pain and abandonment on the spot usually in anger or acting out. Kevin was too young to have the vocabulary of abandonment and neglect but he knew something was wrong and that he was hurting. He stood up for himself by yelling and showing frustration to his parents. Were you like Kevin?
Think of a scene where you stood up for your feelings by yelling or being frustrated. How did your parents react? Did they talk to you about why you reacted that way or did they just address your anger/frustration? Did you receive love and comfort afterward or was it met with discipline or ignored?
Kate: Emotional Abandonment
Kate has had body issues her entire life. In the first episode, thirty-six-year-old Kate is attending a weight loss support group and you can tell she’s unsatisfied with her life and where she’s at. Throughout the series, you learn that Kete handled her trauma through overeating and when you meet her in episode one she has lost almost all hope of losing the weight. In episode 2, the three kids come down for breakfast. The boys have cereal but Kate is disappointed because she has half a cantaloupe. She tries to get something else to eat and her mother stops her, ushering her back to her seat saying, “Baby, we talked about this.”
Where’s the emotional abandonment, Jodie?
This is a very subtle scene so you might be asking where’s the emotional abandonment? The emotional abandonment lies in the lack of conversation between Kate and her mother. This wound again is very unintentional because Rebecca is trying to do what’s best for Kate by feeding her healthy food. Rebecca addresses Kate’s reaction by saying, “baby, we talked about this.” referring to an off-camera conversation about weight (I”m assuming). However, at the moment, Kate was annoyed and hurt by the gesture. Her mother had taken away her choice and she wasn’t happy with it.
To unintentionally reinforce the emotional abandonment by her mother, Jack upon entering the room and seeing the cantaloupe says, “ Yuck!” pouring unhealthy cereal on top of it. As Rebecca protests, he says it’s fine.
Why is this important? Because it reinforces that Dad is the good guy and mom is doing the harmful thing by making Kate eat fruit. Again it’s very subtle and very nuanced. Kate probably didn’t see it like that at the moment. But as they grow up her relationship with her mother is strained especially regarding her weight. In this case, the emotional abandonment was created because of the lack of a conversation, lack of addressing the situation.
What if Rebecca had addressed it?
Imagine if Rebecca had taken the few minutes to pull Kate aside, explain again why she was feeding her fruit, and created healthy emotional feelings around food. Imagine if she had said, “Kate, I love you just the way you are, I want you to be healthy and we have to make small sacrifices for now so that we can get you to a healthy place.” Imagine if Rebecca had joined her in eating healthily or if the whole family sat down to eat cantaloupe together.
If the conversation was had, I believe that Kate would be emotionally connected with her mother. She might still be annoyed (that’s just the way kids are) but she would have that understanding of her mother’s choices and hopefully grace towards her mother who was only trying to do what was best for her. Instead, this small moment gets added to many other small moments that affect her relationship with her mother when she’s older.
Applying Kate’s Story
Think of a memory where you might have been treated differently than your siblings or had to do something that others didn’t need to partake in. Were you given an explanation or understanding of the particular situation? Maybe without that explanation, you internalized a belief or set of beliefs regarding what your parents thought or felt. Have those beliefs carried out in your adulthood? Did that situation affect one or both relationships with your parents?
Randall: Physical Abandonment that leads to Emotional Abandonment
On his 36th birthday, Randall seeks out his biological father, a former drug addict who now has cancer. When Randall was a newborn he was abandoned at a firehouse and was adopted by the Pearson family.
Randall was given a lot of love and attention by Rebecca from an early age. But as much as Rebecca tried to make him feel welcome into the family, it also pointed out that Randall was different, that he was unique and ultimately pointed out that he was an adopted child of color.
And it felt like throughout the series, Randall didn’t enjoy sticking out. After a conversation with Randall’s teacher, his parents find out that he’s brilliant. The teacher encourages them to send him to private school to get more help with his work, especially with Math.
After the conversation, Jack decides to test Randall’s math skills by asking him hard math problems. Randall quickly gives the correct answer, but suddenly pretends to not know the answer to the second question. And after much pressure from Jack, he reluctantly shows off his math skills again. A frustrated Jack, asks Randall why he pretends to be bad at Math only getting B’s.
“I don’t want to be different from them.” he pleas to his father, “Different from who? The kids at school?” His dad presses.
“If I get an A, I’ll get ice cream, and Kate and Kevin won’t. And then they’ll hate me.”
Jack’s response to Randall
And again, Jack with a winning, tear-jerking response to his child, “Can I be honest with you? Man to man? You know your mom and me, we always try to treat you, kids, the same. Always have. Hasn’t always worked, because, well, you’re not all the same.”
“You’re adopted, and we don’t talk about that enough. Cause to me, you are every part, my son. Maybe I… I don’t want you to feel like you stand out. But I need you to know something. I want you to stand out. I want all of you to be as different as you can possibly be. In all the best ways. I love you as much as a human heart can kiddo. You are an exceptional young man. So don’t let your dad’s poor choice make you feel afraid to be different.”
Randall tried his best to be exactly like his siblings so he wouldn’t feel any different than he already did. His physical abandonment as a child leads to emotional abandonment by his loving parents because they were afraid to address the elephant in the room. That he was different. That he was adopted. That he was black.
Randall needed to know that it was okay to be different so that he could embrace those parts of him that didn’t align with how the Pearson family opt to be. His father reassures Randall that he loves all of him. And that was all that he needed to accept himself fully.
Applying Randall’s Story
Was perfection something you ever struggled with? Or feeling like there was an unwritten script in your life that you felt you had to follow whether it was spoken or not? Did you ever talk through the unwritten script with your parents and if so how did they react to your needs? Or did you have physical wounds like Randall? Physical abandonment, abuse, or other traumas? Were you able to talk about it with your parents or friends or did you have to endure those wounds on your own?
What can we glean from the Pearson Family?
Every family system is far from perfect. Each Pearson family member carried a ton of wounds and traumas that they experienced as children and carried into their adult life. Those seemingly small wounds affect them as much as 36-year olds as they affected them as children.
Kevin struggles with his image and worrying about how people perceive him because he was ignored as a child. Kate struggles with her weight and closes herself off from connecting with others out of fear of judgment and being misunderstood. Randall struggles with deep-seated anxiety because of his need to be perfect. Each Pearson kid brought their childhood wounds into their current relationships, and it affects them all differently.
And that applies to you and me. Our stories may not align perfectly with the examples I’ve given above, but our childhood wounds in varying levels and degrees affect us too. When we start to acknowledge and familiarize ourselves with our wounds, we can begin to heal those wounds and change the patterns and triggers in our adult lives.
If you want to learn more about how to address childhood wounds with a parent check out my post about Matt James the latest Bachelor who addressed his wounds on national television.
Whether it’s to dive in deeper into our childhood wounds series or just for entertainment, check out the show This is Us on Hulu and other streaming services. It’s a great watch!
Our vision is to build a generation equipped to mend communal and individual brokenness through authenticity and vulnerability. Digging into our childhood wounds is a way to mend the individual brokenness in our childhood so that we can be our healthiest authentic selves.
I love talking about childhood wounds and discovering those points of pain and hurt. So if you’d like to dig into your own story, please reach out to me via the website, email, Facebook, or Instagram, and let’s connect!
Disclaimer: I am not a counselor or an expert and do not claim to be one. I have learned all of this information through research and my own counseling sessions. My understanding of these topics is limited and should be used for educational purposes only. The information I provide should not replace a counselor or a professional.
If you reach out to me to discuss the points made in this blog I will happily talk with you as a friend or journey partner, however, I am happy to give you additional resources or encourage you to seek out further help and information on these topics as desired. If you are fearful of your safety or others at any point while reading this blog please reach out to a counselor or call 911 immediately.
