Your dad and I are close to meeting you and we are counting down the days. You will be so loved and cared for when you get here. There are so many people that already love you. Your room is full of presents from all the people who love you. You have aunts and uncles coming out to meet you from all over the country. In a few short weeks, we will get to shower you with love, laughter, and cuddles.
But before you get here there’s a few things that I’d like to share with you. I’ll continue to remind you as you grow up.
You are SO loved
Mommy loves you with all her heart. I fell in love with you the moment I found out about you. I was so excited and nervous because your dad was in Peru, I took two pregnancy tests just to make sure you were real. A couple of days before I found out about you I was shopping at Kohl’s for presents to bring to Peru and I saw the cutest baby stocking. I really wanted to buy it but I didn’t know about you. I put it back on the rack and actually circled around a couple of times before I left the store with my purchases.
A few days later, I took a pregnancy test and found out about you. I wanted to tell your dad in a special way so I went back to buy that little stocking. We’ll use it for your first Christmas.
I was sad because at your first ultrasound, which was the first time I got to see you, your dad wasn’t able to be there. The crazy world was in a pandemic so he wasn’t allowed to be with me at the doctors. I took photos of you home and your dad was able to video call so he got to see you a little too. I fell in love with you the moment I found out about you.
Sometimes I’ll be sad
Your mommy struggles with depression and sometimes I’ll be sad. The sadness is never your fault. I won’t hide it from you because I want you to know the truth and know me, but I want you to know that it is NEVER your fault. Struggling with depression means I’ll have my ups and downs. When mommy gets sad she locks herself in the bathtub or shower to cry and sometimes mommy struggles to get out of bed. But your dad knows exactly what I need and he will take care of you and of me. You don’t have to worry.
It’s not your job to make mommy happy, your job is to be a happy boy that continues to laugh and look at life with wonder and awe. I want you to thrive regardless of Mommy’s sadness. Because you are loved and cherished by both of your parents.
I will fail and I’m sorry
Mommy is trying to become a healthy person, I’m working through my pain and my traumas so that I can focus on you and your dad. I wish I could be completely healthy before you come, but this will be a lifelong journey. I will fail and I will hurt you in the process. My generational wounds and my childhood wounds will come up and I’ll do things imperfectly. Even though I’m trying to do better and be better but I will hurt you unintentionally. I will fail and I’m sorry.
I just hope and pray that when I do, that you’ll be able to tell me and that I will set aside my pride and just be there for you. That when I fail you, I will listen. That is my biggest prayer for our relationship.
You can talk to me about anything
Communication is important to me. And I want you to know that you can come to me about anything. I want to know your dreams, your desires, your hurt, your anger, and your love. But I’ll respect your privacy and your space. I want to know you but I want you to be comfortable with me.
That might mean sometimes pushing you or leaving you alone. I won’t know what to do perfectly but I will be here for you whenever you need me. Forgive me for the times I push to hard, or for the times that I leave you alone when you really need me.
My marriage to your dad will come first
This one might be a little hard to understand, but your dad and I will put our marriage first. Because if we aren’t a team then we won’t be good parents to you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. We will put each other first because only then can we provide you with our best selves and show you how a healthy marriage functions.
Our goal is to be a healthy family system for you and your future siblings. We will fail because your dad and I are far from perfect, but we will continue to strive to work on ourselves so that we can be the best for you.
My promise to you
I promise to love you unconditionally as best that a human can. I promise to cherish you, your laughter, your humor, your smile, and so many of the other quirky parts of your personality. You will be held, you will be provided for. When you hurt yourself, I will hold you as you cry, when you need to be rebellious, I will be up waiting, hoping, praying that you’re okay.
We can’t wait to meet you! The thought of holding you and loving you makes us giggle. We are bursting at the seams. Your dad and I are here for you from the moment you are born until the moment we leave you in this life. I love you, my sweet baby boy.
Our vision is to:
Build a Generation equipped to mend our communal and individual brokenness through authenticity and vulnerability.
Does any of this resonate with you?
If you believe in this vision, I would love to go on this journey with you. I don’t know what I’m doing, or how. But I know why. And I want to start with why. The how and what, well we’ll figure it out together. Won’t we?
