Woman, educated, well-traveled, millennial, mixed-race, third-culture kid, multicultural, Christian. These are a few of my labels that I’m both proud of and sometimes ashamed of. These labels define my identity, the groups of people that I belong to, and the good and bad of those groups. What are some labels that you connect to?

Why do labels exist?

According to Forbes, we create labels to compartmentalize situations and behaviors. Labels can help us find connections and ways to relate to others. Those connections can be helpful and create great connections or they can demonize and ostracize a person or group.

For example, Christians sometimes are judgmental, hurtful, wacky, out-there, and hypocritical. Sometimes they are loving, caring, selfless, and own up to their flawed selves. Most are both. Let’s be honest we aren’t perfect and shouldn’t pretend to be. You might interact with one person who is a Christian and have a specific experience and feeling towards that person that then transfers to your thoughts about the group as a whole.

Labels can range from good-intended to ill-intended to horrifyingly inhumane. Limiting labels are labels that make an assumption about our identity and minimize our full potential. Limiting labels are derogatory terms and narrow perspectives. Limiting labels box our identity

Labels hold us back

We all have a deep desire to be fully known and loved. We want to be accepted in our wholeness. The good, the bad, the ugly, the weird, all of it seen and accepted unconditionally.

But sometimes, labels hold us back. Labels hinder our identity and keep us from being fully known and loved by ourselves and others.

“I’m not black enough or white enough. I am not eloquently spoken. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not thin enough.” 

I’m not enough. 

Limiting labels like these warp our self-identity and our ability to embrace ourselves. 

My Story: Non-Native Speaker 

When I started this journey of authenticity and vulnerability, I realized that I had a lot of self-doubt and disrespect for myself. My childhood wounds and traumas caused me to self-loath and not trust or embrace myself for who I was.

A part of my story and self-doubt came when my family traveled to the U.S. during grade four. I was a fairly confident kid. In Papua New Guinea, I used to correct my teachers because they taught us the Australian spelling of words like favourite and mum. And my little fiery self felt that we should learn the American spelling because I was half-American. 

While doing 4th grade in the U.S., I was put into an ESL class. I was so embarrassed and confused. I had seemingly perfect English, with the perfect American accent which I had inherited from my father. Yet, I was put into a class with students who knew little to no English. 

I was half-American. I was American. But I had to learn English. I was confused because I took pride in my American accent and I thought that knowing English made me American. Every day I was taken out of class and walked down to the ESL room. I felt like “other” because even though I fit into my very diverse class in Seattle, I was still completely out of place. 

I started to wonder… am I not American? Do they not accept me? My security in my identity was put into question. 

I felt like my identity was taken from me. And I was left feeling like I was not American enough. 

I was stripped of my “Americanness”

Because of my newfound insecurities with my ability to speak English, I stopped identifying with my American side. I saw myself as only Papua New Guinean because even with my perfect American accent, I felt and was treated differently. 

I started to only see the label that was placed on me. Non-Native speaker. My English is not good enough. I’m not American enough. My perfect accent is a fraud. I was a fraud. 

I started to believe the label that was unintentionally placed on me. 

I didn’t feel fully seen and loved for my whole culture, my dual identity as an American and a Papua New Guinean. Instead, I felt shunned from my American side, by a label that I started to believe was true. A label that warped from – you need a little help with your English to I’m not good enough to be considered an American. 

This ideology came from a child that didn’t understand the label or intention behind the actions. But it kept being reinforced throughout the rest of my life and the label took on a shape of its own. 

Vulnerability is hard

Being open and vulnerable about my whole identity didn’t happen very often. My whole identity was complex and hard to understand because I identified with two cultures, two languages, and my story was complex.  Fellow TCK’s and Missionary kids, you get me right? 

And honestly, everyone’s story is complex and nuanced. So being open and vulnerable about your whole self is hard. 

When I was open and honest I was often met with confusion, and people wanting to put me into a box so that they could better understand me. Imagine you meet someone new and you find out they like horror movies just like you. You’re going to hold onto that information because you can relate and connect with that person. 

But sometimes we can take that too far and box people up, I love horror movies but that’s a small part of who I am. Being fully known and loved is being seen for our whole selves. All parts of our identity, not just the parts easiest to understand. 

When a label is reinforced 

A couple of years ago, my husband and I attended a group gathering, with people we didn’t know well. And whenever, I’m with people I don’t know well I have to weigh whether I share my whole self (meaning my dual identity, culture, etc) or parts of myself. The hosts were missionaries so I decided to share that I was from Papua New Guinea and that my parents were missionaries as well. I felt safe enough to share my whole identity, which honestly doesn’t happen very often.

Unfortunately, my openness and vulnerability were met with the hosts trying to put me into a box. Something I didn’t expect from them. Their response to what I shared was asking me if I had an American passport. 

This might seem trivial but it broke my heart to pieces. My whole life I had struggled with the label of “not being American enough” and now these strangers that I had opened up to, were putting me in a box. Instead of asking questions or being inquisitive about my story they wanted to know a very specific and private detail. Let’s be honest, are you really allowed to ask people if they are an American passport holder?

These simple words weighed heavy because of these labels that I had internalized. I didn’t feel American enough and with this comment, I felt like an outsider because my passport and ultimately my right to be in this country were being questioned. I also felt like they were stripping me of my Papua New Guinean identity because if I had an American passport that I must not be Papua New Guinean. I went down a rabbit hole trying to figure out what they meant by their words. How was I supposed to take that question?

It was a very large wound that I had from all my limiting labels so even though the hosts didn’t intend harm, their words harmed me greatly.

Defying my Label by helping others

To embrace ourselves fully.  we need to start peeling off the layers of gunk to see who we are truly meant to be. Limiting labels take away our dignity and can have a determinantal effect on our identity and our ability to embrace who we are.

Only by naming a defying those limiting labels are we then able to embrace our full potential and be fully seen and loved by others.

And that acceptance and unconditional love has to start within ourselves.

At some point in my journey, I decided that I wanted to teach English. I minored in teaching English to speakers of other languages in college and went on to teach refugees and immigrants at a local church. I didn’t want anyone to feel the way that I did. 

This small decision to teach made a huge impact on my identity. Helping others allowed me to take control of that label. Now I don’t feel like “other” because I was labeled as a non-English Speaker but instead I use that to relate to my students in the classroom.

I still struggle with that identity. If I say a slang phrase incorrectly, or mess up in some way and people make fun of me, that label and pain of not being American enough or a Native-English speaker flashes to the surface. I cringe and have to tell myself that I am enough. 

Naming and defying my limiting labels have helped me accept and love myself. It’s helped me to embrace my full potential and be seen and loved by others. 

What about you?

Has your identity been put into a box? Do you have a label that is holding you back in an area of your life? Think of ways to take back that label and own it. Have you been hurt by people who try to decipher your complex identity? How can you reclaim your identity by defying those limiting labels and allowing yourself to embrace and fully love yourself? It starts with you. Only when you reclaim your identity can others fully see you and embrace you for who you are.

I’d love to chat with you if you want to work through some of your limiting labels. Connect with me on social media or by leaving a comment!