Whether you’re an avid fan of The Bachelor Franchise or roll your eyes every time the show comes up this blog post is still for you so stick around!
Little disclaimer courtesy of my husband, if you hate the Bachelor and can’t stand any info about it, skip the next three paragraphs to get to the real reason why we’re here.
The latest Bachelor season, presenting Matt James as the Bachelor, was one filled with drama, intrigue, and shocking turns of events. (I know that’s what they say about every season but I promise this one is different)
There was controversy regarding racist images and cultural appropriation surrounding a contestant, Rachael, who ended up being Matt’s final pick and “winner of the show.”. And to make matters worse the host, Chris Harrison, used ignorant language, and honestly his white male privilege to defend Rachael causing outrage amongst fans..
With all of these things happening, we could have missed a big moment that happened on national television, a unique, honest, and vulnerable conversation that Matt had with his estranged father.
Matt in episode 10 had a very candid and honest conversation with his father about how his relationship or lack thereof was affecting his journey and decision in committing to an engagement and marriage at the end of the show. His father was not a part of Matt’s upbringing and Matt was concerned that if his feelings and pain created in his childhood went unaddressed it would seep into his commitment to the girl he chose, into his marriage, and would affect his children.
He wanted to address how his dad’s choices affected his life and propelled his fear of commitment and marriage because of the example that was set for him.
You can watch the two 5 minute clips of their conversation here if you don’t watch the show or if you need a refresher.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Using Matt’s story as an example, we’ll go over the steps that you can take when dealing with your childhood wounds.
Step 1: Realizing there’s a problem
Matt tells us that he has “fear about what commitment looks like based on [his parent’s] relationship.” He also says that “harboring the negativity in his life” has hindered his past relationships and his growth.
And to make it clear, for Matt the child wounds we’re talking about is abandonment. He was physically abandoned by his father at a young age which most likely created some emotional wounds as well. He mentions in the show as a whole that he has trouble opening up in relationships.
Childhood wounds manifest as different challenges that hinder you from connecting, growing, changing, or adapting to certain situations as an adult. In Matt’s case, he realized that his father’s absence and his parent’s marriage was/is causing him to doubt his ability to commit to relationships and ultimately to marriage.
He became aware of the problem and wanted to do something about it because it was hindering him from moving forward.
Think about something in your life that you’re afraid to do, afraid to feel, etc. Is there a recurring theme in your relationships or friendships?
Step 2: Dig into your Childhood & Grieve
The next step is to find moments, memories, and examples of times in your childhood where you felt that same feeling or that same action that you’re seeing as an adult.
Matt opens up and mourns a memory,
“He’d come around every now and then, drop off some shoes, buy us pizza…..I didn’t need shoes man… I didn’t need any shoes, I didn’t need any pizza, I needed a dad,” Matt shares sorrowfully.
Matt yearned for a father to love him, be there for him, and be a part of his life. The abandonment he felt as a child manifests today as fear of marriage, fear of doing the same thing to his son, or hurting his wife like his father hurt his mom.
As Matt’s talking to his dad, he’s mourning those moments that he didn’t have a father, the pain and loss that was caused by his dad’s actions, and the consequences that Matt had due to his parent’s separation.
An important part of step two is to mourn. Mourn the pain you experienced, mourn the hurt that you went through and comfort that little child. When you hear Matt share about the shoes, can you picture a young 8 or 10-year-old boy? That boy is excited to see his dad and probably excited about pizza and shoes too, but mostly seeing his father. And when his dad goes to leave, can you imagine that yearning and longing of little Matt to have his father stay. To be a part of his life every day not just for a few hours.
As you imagine that I’m sure you have a ton of empathy for Matt. Step 2 is going through those same types of memories from your childhood and having that same empathy for yourself.
Step 3: When you’re ready, face those wounds
To face your wounds, you could talk them through with a trusted loved one, share your memories and how you felt, receive love and validation about that memory or moment. You could also see a counselor that could help facilitate that conversation and help you get to those emotions if you’re feeling stuck in the process.
In some cases grieving, loving, and comforting your inner child is all you need to move forward healthily. In other cases, it might mean addressing the wound with others involved, those who inflicted the wound, whether intentionally or not.
And that’s what Matt did. He decided to address his wounds with his father. He wanted to understand why his father was absent, why he started other families so that Matt could learn from his dad’s mistakes and not do the same thing. Matt feared that he’d become like his father.
Addressing a parent/loved one that caused (whether intentional or unintentional) a wound can be a difficult process. As you might note, Matt’s dad’s initial reaction is one of shifting blame, pointing to his own childhood being “worse”, and trying to avoid the conversation saying it should have been talked about before.
Note: I do not recommend doing this step on national television! Though it was brave of Matt and I thank him for his vulnerability, I held my breath the whole time because it’s already an uncomfortable and painful conversation to have with a parent let alone with an international audience.
We will dig into addressing wounds with parents/loved ones in a separate post and maybe even analyze the dos and don’ts that can be gleaned from Matt’s conversation with his dad, but for now, let’s keep going!
Step 4: Find ways to grow, adapt and heal
For Matt, there was some resolution with the promise of further conversation.
Side note: I don’t think in reality it happens this quickly unless your parent/loved one is very emotionally intelligent and maybe sees a counselor. But I could be biased based on my own attempts at this very thing.
This process takes time. Lots of time. We are all human, and although Matt’s intention was not to hurt his father, he was met with resistance probably because his father felt shame, and pain as well. But again, I’m getting ahead of myself :).
I love Matt’s last statement in the video,
“Moving forward this confirms for me that I’m not the man that my dad is. And just because I’m his son, doesn’t mean that I have to follow in his footsteps.”
Thank you, Matt James, for sharing your journey towards healing with Bachelor Nation. I admired your vulnerability and your ability to be candid and emotional about your past.
Step 5: Repeat
The journey is never-ending. I have realized that some of my childhood wounds come up over and over again in other avenues of my life and I have learned to be okay with it. I’m a fixer, I want to fix it and move on but I’ve learned to take the time to grieve those wounds and address them in both my childhood and my present life.
Matt shared his journey with us, but it was just the beginning. He will most likely continue to have fears around commitment, (as seen in a later episode when he doesn’t end up proposing) and he will hopefully continue to have conversations with his dad as those fears and more importantly those wounds pop up.
The journey toward inner healing is difficult and tolling, but I promise it’s worth it. It’s worth grieving painful moments in your childhood so that you can change, adapt, grow into a healthy person who is living to your fullest potential. That’s my desire for you. For us.
I would love to hear from you! Have you ever tried to address childhood wounds or memories with your parents/loved ones? How did it go? What did you learn from Matt’s conversation? What did you learn from this blog post?
I would love to be a part of your journey in a small way if you’ll let me. Send me a message on WordPress, Instagram, or Facebook. Let’s chat!
